Twinkle Twinkle ~

Today is my baby girl's birthday. I'm up late. Missing my children. Letting some of the pain all the way in for the first time tonight.  It's excruciating. It's hot and it's cold. It's so hard to make sense of it all. Difficult to breathe. Yet with each passing moment I realize I am still here. Right here. Right now.  Everything may not be as I want it, but it is okay. She is safe and healthy and as happy as any teenage girl can be. I just wish I could hold her, hug her. See her beautiful face. More than that I want her to know how much she is loved. So very loved and adored. God, I'm really feeling this hurt. Deep. The tears, they are so constant. I have been feeling this build-up day in and day out since I arrived. I knew it was going to be hard work. I knew I was going to have to look inward and see these places. I barred my heart from cracking too far open. Yet it's broken wide open, split and like a damn it's waters are pouring out. Turbulent, wild, untamed. It's a bit like a mountain laying on my heart. Heavy. Yet it's again, another surprise that it's not consuming me as I feared. My fear is again being proved to be wrong. I am stronger than my fear.  I am more than this pain. I am experiencing it. Letting it in. Sitting with it.  Much like a river to the sea. I am a constant ebb and flow of life. Finding my rhythm. Trying to let the hurt go.  It's one of those contradictory places to be. Feeling a real positive vibe most of the time in this life. Yet it's my baby girl's day.  I need to refocus and send her my positive energy.  How does a mother celebrate her child's life yet mourn the separation at the same time?  I have lost a lot of my memories yet a few moments I recall with clarity.  At precisely 5:30 in the evening on November 21, 1995 I gave birth to my sweet baby girl.

I used to tell my daughter this story about praying for an angel. I did too.  I remember being on my knees, broken, my body and spirit very nearly crushed and I begged God for a miracle. I asked for an angel. An angel that would shine their love into my sad little life. I received an angel, my Shooting Star.

How I love thee, let me count the ways
How I love thee, for the rest of my days -
You are my brightest light
In the dead of night -
I was a wretched soul torn asunder
Until a miracle made me wonder -
You made it worth the pain and strife
I brought you into this world -
Yet it was you who gave me life ~

I love you my Angel.
Mom

Top 5 things I am grateful for today:
Daughters
Music
Dreams
Shooting Stars
Angels

Namaste - K