Heartbeat ~

I keep seeing this recurring theme of a heartbeat. I hear a heartbeat in my music, in a song, in a poem. I listen for the beating of my own heart and I hear God.

When my children were little I used to lay my head next to their hearts so I could hear their little hearts beating. When we would take naps together I would lay with their little bellies by my face so I could turn my head and my ear would be flush against their hearts, my favorite sound in the world. 

Perhaps it is this gratitude that has filled every part of my being. Last night was so incredibly surreal, like I was virtually in shock and near to bursting. I have had so much transpire in just the past 24 hours. My boss, she simply wants to control me, to change me, to modify me to become what she wants of me.  I stood firm today, for the first time I have followed through, and I did it alone, well alone of a human hand to hold. God has my back. I know I was not alone. I am the Goddess. I no longer have to pray to her, I do need to acknowledge her, care for her, respect her, love her and cherish her. If I would have been watching my daughter instead of myself, that is the only way I would have been more proud of my behavior, my courage, my strength. I can't believe I did it, I didn't fold, I didn't go jump back into the fire at the first opportunity to "make nice" with someone who has no love for me and no empathy for others. The treatment of people coming to lessen suffering by inflicting additional suffering intentionally by another individual, well it is not only ironic, but it's very sad. I understand that those who offer the least compassion are those needing the most. I offered it freely. I was the most authentically honest representation of God's daughter today. Perhaps proud isn't the right word, yet I would have been proud had it been my daughter. That feeling, that was the first time I've ever felt it for myself. God kept me strong. I am thankful. So very thankful for this experience.  

I am no longer that starved and abused little puppy dog. These changes have all happened so quickly I feel much like I am suffering from whiplash. I guess moving up finding a new home, new job and new life is quite the priority.  I thought I was happy here. I did have some amazingly wonderful happy moments. Now I wonder if it was complacency and maybe even a little bit of hiding?  Whatever it was, it has changed.  Open and Willing. That's all I am asked to be. I have the goals, I have the dreams, God has the plan! Seems like my big enlightening moments of late were just preparation for these big events that have been unfolding. I have a hunch there will be a few more in this life ~

Going to head out to another retreat center tomorrow to meditate and chant with Mz. P.  I am so thankful for that woman. God placed the perfect teacher in my life, the epitome of kindness and gentleness. What an inspired and inspiring angel she is. I know it's ironic we live and work on a spiritual retreat center yet are going to another for refuge and peace. God provides as God provides. I think I mentioned last night that all of my prayers have been answered. :)

I wasn't going to write anything tonight. A prayer, my note to my children, my final 5. Yet, I had something to say after all. My heart, well my heart has love in it that has risen to the surface yet also has spread out to every cell of my being. I wanted to write about love, this love, yet I can't find the words. 

God

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

I love how you never left my side even when the words cut deep

I love how you gave me strength even when I wanted to weep

I love how you gave me eyes to see the wounds you healed

I love how you gave me ears to hear your truth revealed

I love how you gave me wisdom to respond with clarity and insight

I love how you gave me a heart so I may feel your love tonight ~

By Your Grace,

Your Pure Daughter

Top 10 Things I am Thankful for Today:

Mz. P
Mary Mary

Carpet Rides
Cleansing
A Mother's Love
Compassion

Bodhi 

Stillness
Honor

Heartbeats

P.S. My son, my daughter: A loyal and loving heart holds the key to every door. There has never been a lock it wouldn't open. I adore you both always and forever. Mom