Blue October - Not Broken Anymore

Muse - Madness

"Beautiful Tree" - Rain Perry - LIFE UNEXPECTED theme song

Te Vaka- Lovely World

A Day of Giving Thanks ~

There were times when I couldn't remember to breathe moments when I didn't believe in... anything Buddha showed me compassion Christ showed me forgiveness Krishna showed me love God showed me Divinity and yet... that wasn't enough My friends loved me when I couldn't love myself My children loved me, when I had given up My heart found love when I thought I was too broken Life isn't about figuring anything out, it's about surrender Giving oneself over completely to the unknown, to the impossible In my darkest hour, I found I had the power, the power to love In that, I have found the reason to hope: For a Miracle For that, I am giving thanks, today. Thank you.

Magic of Memories ~

Lani and Musette --- funny how my memory is coming back. In bits, in blinding migraine, bring me to my knees bits, but, yeah, where there is love there are GREAT miracles. Only 3 math tutors, 1 teacher, 1 assistant teacher, love and support from friends and children (not much of a village there, ha ha) to accomplish this, and yet for me it is the beginning of something so much more. THANK YOU for not giving up on me when I threw in the towel so long ago on myself. No matter what, this is SOMETHING and that's more than I've had in a very long time (longer than I can remember, ha ha). Okay, enough mushy sappy stuff for the night. Time for otter pops, kettle corn, and a nice movie (thinking The Croods again, it's MAGICAL! ) I love love LOVE yous to infinity and BEYOND!

HOPE

Well, having a missionary son and a lot of incentive helps! You know not being comfortably numb and being open to well being open has quite literally (love the pun and reference, kudos me, lol) opened up some doors. My son's love, his heart, and my daughter(s), now plural I have just realized on this most difficult of times is the real key. At the end of it all, even writing again, even loving again, it stems from being open, open to life and sharing what really matters: Our hearts. After all our years of sharing and knowing Lani , this was my regret, not being able to share the joy because the pain was all I knew in those moments. With the love of my children as the catalyst, even the pain doesn't overshadow the love. I thought I would curl up and just, well, do what I do on Holidays and yet, something miraculous happened. A miracle. I learned to love again. I won't be Fiji bound this year but I have something far greater: Hope.

A Thanksgiving to Remember

Here is your weekly Vea story Tiare A Thanksgiving to Remember: Fetu'ufuka 'Alisi Peaua was born on November 21, 1995. Thanksgiving in 1995 was on Thursday, November 23. I brought my 2 day old baby girl to my in-laws house for a family Thanksgiving. Vea (your future hubby) was 21 months old at the time. Fuka was bundled and fed and enclosed on one of the couches in the living room. She had a barrier between her and the floor the Great Wall of China would have envied. Needless to say that she was safely tucked into a cocoon of warmth and safety. After checking on her for the umpteenth time I felt safe to use the restroom. I let others, the large family at home know I was going to vacate the living room and was assured (understandably) I was OK to do so. Check, clear, covered. Nothing was going to happen in such a short amount of time with all bases covered. What happened next you ask? I returned in record time to the place I had left my new bundle of joy (joy I did not know two days previously was going to be a girl btw, but that's another story). This bundle I had left on the couch was wrapped in only one truly obviously identifiable item, a pink blanket (the hospital felt it would be a disservice to allow me to leave without something marking her as a girl since everything I brought was for another boy... sorry getting sidetracked). So I return to the spot I had recently vacated with my little Star Child only to discover it EMPTY! There was absolutely NO sign of my daughter, ANYWHERE. The wall of china was still intact, but no baby. I ran into the kitchen where mayhem had erupted. Dube, our family dog had just finished off the entire turkey, a 30 lb + turkey to be precise. There was yelling, and absolute chaos reigning. I am trying to get in a word because my baby is MISSING. No one heard me. My voice, drowned out by the ensuing realization that there would be no turkey because Dube (my contribution before a grandson and grand-daughter) had inhaled my mother in-laws efforts in one quick mouthful. Dube, stomach bulging, didn't look the least sick for the record, in fact he was grinning from ear to ear (did you know Dube was exactly to the date one year older than Vea?). Oops, sidetracked again. In this mayhem I am now searching frantically EVERYWHERE for my BABY! I check every bedroom, every nook and cranny. WHERE OH WHERE COULD MY BABY BE??? Then I see him, Vea. He's sitting in the corner of the living room and looking at the floor, swinging his legs, merrily, smiling, and that's when it hit me, he looked REALLY happy. Proud of himself. Like he had just accomplished something. Something BIG. When Vea was getting close to two it meant only ONE THING: WATCH OUT. He was up to SOMETHING. That look meant: He was REALLY smug and VERY pleased with himself for something REALLY smart that he'd done. By really smart, he'd outwitted, outthunk, and outdone an adult in his life. Remember this man of yours was not even 2 then! I approached him cautiously, knowing that I had to proceed with caution. You see, even at 21 months old, I knew something about Vea, he was already smarter then most adults I knew. My biggest problem was communicating with him. Vea only spoke Tongan. While I knew enough to run if it looked like I might end up as the main course on the table, he out spoke my Tongan by like a light year and then some. Using my broken Tongan I asked him if he knew where the baby was. He looked up at that moment and looked me directly in the eyes and shrugged his shoulders. He then proceeded to look back down and grin. That grin meant only ONE THING: UH OH, "HOUSTON YOU HAVE A PROBLEM!" I pleaded, I cried, I rallied for back up, but the turkey being (quickly) digested in the belly of Dube was the only known of concern at the time. Don't get me wrong, it's not like they didn't care, they just did not HEAR me over the commotion. I squared my shoulders and decided to plead, to bargain with God and my little prince to give me a sign, ANY sign on the location of my baby. My prayers were answered. Vea looked down with those enormous dark eyes and I followed the direction right down towards the coffee table and that's when I saw pink. I SAW PINK! I saw pink UNDERNEATH the coffee table. A 3 tier, 80's coffee table. Underneath the lowest tier with what did not seem like more than a few inches from the carpet I saw a swatch of pink, baby pink, baby girl pink. I pulled gently on the blanket and there on the pink blanket a tiny little hand emerged. I tugged again and an arm. I continued for what seemed like hours. Finally I had my baby girl. I hadn't imagined her or lost her. She was alive! I sank to my knees, holding her to me. Crying. Vea came up to me then from his corner perch. He placed a hand on my shoulder, one hand on her head, and said in Tongan, "That is not a brother." "You said brother, not sister." I explained in the best way I could she was a surprise. He said, that no, hiding her and finding her, that was a "SURPISE" he yelled (in broken English). Too smart, too smart. Needless to say after that, we kept one eye on the baby, and one eye on the turkey and one person on Vea. I hope this makes you laugh, makes you smile, and mostly fills your heart with the silliness that is our sweet Vea. His stories will keep us strong for the next two years. His laughter will keep us warm. I love you sweet one. Thank you for the blessing that is you in his heart and filling him with love and warmth this first Thanksgiving away. 'Ofa 'atu - K — with Tiare Gonzales.

meet me far l ANAT

Brandi Carlile - Before It Breaks

That time of the year ~

Here I am again, back at this place, this time where it is the hardest Families together, being grateful to share this holiday season and yet... My babies, they are not here, still far away, still separated One following his dreams, the other, tucked away until she can escape How I long for her final break... and how my heart breaks... again Can it ever mend, will it happen in this space and time? For what I long for to finally become mine?

Where you belong - Kari Kimmel (Lyrics) (The Fosters Theme Song)

Andy Shauf "You Remind Me" - www.streamingcafe.net

Joshua Radin - Cross That Line

Beautiful Day- Joshua Radin

Daughter, Loudon Wainwright III

Maisey Rika & JJ Rika - Untouchable (Live) Matariki

http://www.youtube.com/v/84nE6xJI4bY?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=wF5ii_S_E7aCNIE2t-AmLg&showinfo=1&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Maisey Rika - "Nia" live in Auckland

http://www.youtube.com/v/V8AfO179Wog?autohide=1&version=3&feature=share&autohide=1&attribution_tag=cxRyt-PtUYukiyiOaiTGCw&showinfo=1&autoplay=1

Maisey Rika - Sink or Swim

http://www.youtube.com/v/5qo3THNANTU?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=Eo3rMAuHQ1wFv2U5SfBOyA&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1

Maisey Rika - Ladeda Day

http://www.youtube.com/v/ohN9pPvAHyM?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=yM8ATn_F0249_vwKCJLUuQ&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1

te-vaka tamahana

http://www.youtube.com/v/nTYccYWMJ1I?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=o5vld1jR8esEXHYqhB8z1w

The Silent Awakening

http://www.youtube.com/v/xJF7ckLYve0?autohide=1&version=3&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=nBGTys9j8ky3fPWInxI51Q&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1

Patty Griffin - I Don't Ever Give Up

http://www.youtube.com/v/ktpTyT1Wj_I?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=HxZxWbhdl0edDNb1dN6zUA

Dear Cupid ~

Dear Cupid, We need to talk. First off the arrow HURTS! The hole in my butt cheek has not healed. I can not afford medical care so would you please stop shooting me in the ass. Secondly, and secondly means this: The first part is NOTHING compared to what you have done to my HEART! Cupid, I am a peaceful person. I believe in a gentle approach to things. HOWEVER, I was perfectly happy before you came along. I had things figured out. A life plan, goals, purpose, a really clear direction. Now I am constantly losing things, like my keys, the sun, and the moon. I forget things (do not comment here), like eating and breathing. I wasn't trying to lose weight and now I have been stricken with a syndrome called Noassatall. Now let's talk about the sleepless nights. The dreams. The dreams are heart wrenching and frequently arousing. You're a pervert. My sleep is sacred! Benedryl has become my new best friend (yes, that's your replacement you little fucker). LOVE TOURETTES, REALLY? I can't drink alcohol in public places anymore because every time I open my mouth I talk about all the love in my heart. Why did you fuck with the booze Cupid? The current list of incidents are longer than the arrow you shot me with you little shit. Public Humiliation? Check! In addition to the listed and hinted at grievances I have also had a nasty bout of vertigo. My world is literally sideways. Very few things upset me Cupid. You are right up there with people who put gum under chairs and tables (WHO DOES THAT?). You fucked with my happy place. We are no longer friends. If you touch me again I will cut you. Yours untruly, unxunounxuno P.S. I am SO telling Santa how naughty you are so don't even think of trying to get in at the Elf factory.

Everybody Plays The Fool - The Main Ingredient (1972)

http://www.youtube.com/v/dXGa__ECvnM?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=vz4jF3CE4pkKjEgt3ZxDcA&showinfo=1&autohide=1&feature=share

Mumford and Sons - Sigh No More

http://www.youtube.com/v/p7TrU4_-JTY?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&attribution_tag=eztX5ab-Hccf2aa8czb12w&showinfo=1

Paloma Faith - Upside Down

http://www.youtube.com/v/lDeB5sDealI?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=45KYAHNAOcTN7-KN1VmJuA&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&autohide=1&feature=share

Etana - People Talk

http://www.youtube.com/v/IkvrYINale4?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&feature=share&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=4Z1GRimn9O3P-0FVnmuXLg

Harvey Milk

"Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really". ~ Harvey Milk

Alexi Murdoch - Breathe

http://www.youtube.com/v/l_naIQOVUaM?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=3dvP1B3N0IxKZtWf4daFbw&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1

Alexi Murdoch - Shine

http://www.youtube.com/v/AP36oIfnsyk?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=MS_rNBevteYjoJ7ia2Cgvw

Ani DiFranco "Virtue"

http://www.youtube.com/v/yqlR4kRdc9o?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=v6s1RDVYOSFlFo3aIAlCWQ&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Strange Days - Reed Foehl

http://www.youtube.com/v/v-KsfbkFemM?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=oZZ2ANi-3ZoeSpkTbWZfkA

"Gentle Arms of Eden", by Dave Carter and Tracy Grammer

http://www.youtube.com/v/bAGMATHlSK4?autohide=1&version=3&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=gsAT08qyDs3W_t2ejpT4dA&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Rise Again - Official Video - Shaggy, Sean Paul/Kingston, Tessanne Chin,...

http://www.youtube.com/v/YNv2HeKrkRU?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=Yu0fg__fQ4aV7cg1r_Wjdw&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

Deeply does it flow ~

Through me, In me, Around me...it flows ~ Resisting, Persisting, Desisting - Gentle, turbulent, wild, and free - Stormy, dark, vibrant, and calm - Thunder, lightening, power, and might - Foamy, blue, green, and blackest night - Cold, warm, salty, and clear - Majestic, roaring, loving, and kind - Fathomless, unyielding, unpredictable, and unforgiving - Purifying, enchanting, enlightening, and enriching - Consuming, glorious, moving, and beautiful - Loving, greedy, jealous, and proud - Quiet, fun, caressing, and loud - Driven, purposeful, angry, and judging - Divine, Graceful, Magnificent, and Heavenly - Through me, In me, Around me...it flows ~

Lauryn Hill-Just Like The Water

http://www.youtube.com/v/9b4JjzdWmuw?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=KBEd2daqcvOTPub9Fln6Sg

Anuhea "Right Love, Wrong Time"

http://www.youtube.com/v/6VXJtyb5D_Q?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=3SJbJ7alZGQ7hU8heNeUnw&autoplay=1&feature=share&showinfo=1&autohide=1

Jackson Browne - Oh, My Love

http://www.youtube.com/v/k3JqkRA405U?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=3Mjt6NA_3uNQOQAhwoe3Ww

Puscifer - Monsoons

http://www.youtube.com/v/VNFQAI2RhYk?autohide=1&version=3&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=iG2JMQ3odnDv_NB9wm6FIw&autohide=1&feature=share&showinfo=1

I only know I love you ~

I only know I love you when I awake I only know I love you when I sleep I only know I love you when the sun is shining and the moon burns bright I only know I love you when a child laughs a bird sings a leaf rustles a blade of grass grows I only know I love you when I pack to leave but stay I sit in abject misery and cry all day I only know I love you when I breathe ~

Wookiefoot "Let Yourself Go" Shangri La 9-8-2012

http://www.youtube.com/v/1wOYmP_syqs?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&attribution_tag=_Jev9-taDKS8xA2slEHRFg&showinfo=1

Passenger - Life's For The Living

http://www.youtube.com/v/Nl2GwLtMX7s?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=1hOzS41a1BSBaY3Qgd40TA

Passenger: I See Love

http://www.youtube.com/v/SfpKLd3gmyg?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=_1YAXxgXImQ6pjbKLc4mrg&feature=share&autohide=1

I love you an amazing amount ~

Yes. I do.

Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again with lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/v/v2yPU5WPwZs?version=3&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&autohide=1&attribution_tag=hCqrPv_OYFpE3Vu_LHJuow&showinfo=1

Emeli Sande - Hope

http://www.youtube.com/v/YpMjZIg_sw4?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=xaUbLoe5xs1Ih4Bifxkncw&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share

DONNA DE LORY Praying For Love

http://www.youtube.com/v/IJav8Jj4Ayk?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&autohide=1&autoplay=1&feature=share&attribution_tag=A5ZVFdOPumR8MchVyuFX4w

Anuhea "Right Love, Wrong Time"

http://www.youtube.com/v/6VXJtyb5D_Q?version=3&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=6p4NRsaKiw7NQ1C_rCHIuw

Learning To Breathe - Switchfoot

http://www.youtube.com/v/vVlnHT8OkQQ?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=K_v4_S5o7na77_xwN4neIw

Pink Bubbles ~

In a sphere of possibility I float up endlessly A riot of cotton candy dreams nothing is what it seems Globes of reality nothing is what it seems Princess giggles and tinkling laughter captured Endless parades of fairytales and pixie sprinkles Cupcakes and candles and puppy dog kisses Brave knights slaying dragons and protecting kingdoms Unicorns and blue kitties, the realms multiply and expand Pop, and another world appears from the magic of the gateway One moment, one touch and dreams are carried to the heavens Seas of possibilities created and blown to the wind Howling at the moon, bathing in the sun, falling in love Turtle King and an island paradise, children playing in the sand A wish upon a Shooting Star, a child's arms hugging my heart Eden, a place where miracles are born ~

this too shall pass.mov

http://www.youtube.com/v/a5rjrY8emVc?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=WGcP-r3YcYWbTvgm4YBNbQ&showinfo=1&feature=share&autohide=1