I am still a little iffy about this blogging experience. I hate REALLY hate censoring myself. I had to think before writing everything and then I'd edit it and re-read it. I would make sure it wasn't offensive to anyone and then I decided to erase everything. It just wasn't authentic. So here it is. Here I am. This is for me anyways. Anyone who ever comes across my page and thinks whatever I write about is too upsetting can go play with my Carebears. I don't know you well enough to introduce you to my unicorns.
Today SUCKED. I had SUCH a FML day. When I say "sucked" I mean it blew giant chunks of regurgitated duck shit. I couldn't manage to get it together. I didn't have to work outside much which was a huge blessing. So by saying today SUCKED, perhaps that is a bit dramatic. I just named one blessing. Par for the course. I can't even stay mad at a day very long. Almost as difficult to stay mad as it is to stay on subject. Shit. (go play with Carebears). Backstory: So I haven't slept much at all since arriving on "The Mountain". I'm averaging 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep and that is a gross understatement and generous guestimate at best. Anywhoser, the sleep isn't happening. I finally caved and started taking over the counter remedies after my homeopathic remedies ran out. Those remedies work not at all. I exercise, I eat healthy, I drink hot milk before bed, I take hot showers, and I sleep on a wonderfully semi-comfortable mattress. Ha. I also get a dose of dark chocolate when needed. So to sum it up I have health, cleanliness, safety, cravings, and comfort covered. WTH? I am EXHAUSTED daily. It's wretched. The holidays are coming up, that could be a factor. I did recently kick the nicotine habit squarely between the eyeballs. I am aware that just by moving to "The Mountain" and accepting an 18 month commitment and being so isolated here that these could all be contributing factors. It's just I am stronger than this. I have not only survived hell. I've relived it a few times. My hell has no bottom and I made it out of that. Maybe my little ego doesn't like needing help. Feeling weak. Not being all powerful and capable to just do it all and not ever shed a tear. Whatever. I think this blog should be called: Dear Ego, FUCK YOU! But I need to learn compassion towards ALL parts of myself. Blah blah blah. This is so not about self-improvement this very second. This is about wearing myself down. Getting the hurt out that's underneath this block so I can sleep. HOWEVER, it's that today was SO flipping difficult being SO exhausted. I am even emotional, as in teary eyed which is just NOT me these days. That's just not where my energies are. Rather it's not where I allow them to be. Maybe that's just it. Lady L (Our Resident Kitchen Manager) said something the other day about not sleeping well and during the course of our conversation she shared her usual process (which she had forgone, hence difficulty sleeping). She said she digs down underneath the superficial stuff and gets to the heart of it and just tackles the issue. She is tenacious with whatever is "underneath". So hmmm, perhaps I am indeed in need of tackling those "underneath" issues. FUCK. I do not want to. I want to just get through this hurdle and pass go and collect $200. Isn't this Monopoly? I didn't sign up for a game called Life. I signed up for Candyland. I'm sure I did. I want a refund. It's cold and grey and rainy up here on the mountain. DID I MENTION COLD? If I'm pingponging that's good, that means I am consciously avoiding the deeper issues that propelled me to swear and vent and get all this shit outta my system. Awesome. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be sad ever again. When I get sad I get sick. I also don't want to feel sad. So, let's have it out self. Yes self I'm talking to you, no one else is here with us. Why aren't you tired when you are exhausted self? Bigger issues: I miss my kids. I miss them like so much it's nearly impossible to walk when I am blasted with missing them. It's like being drop kicked in the guts by a sumo wrestler. Sometimes it's out of nowhere. Fuck, now I am crying. I don't want to cry. It's this fear that if I start crying I won't stop. I've cried, really cried like twice since I've been on "The Mountain". The last time it took 3 days to get through it and luckily I had corresponding days off. This time I don't. We have a retreat checking out tomorrow so I have to be on my A game. Plus I am preparing Chai Tea (fresh brewed and prepared by yours truly). It's my big contribution. Ha. Self-depreciation allows for a little breathing room between the "truth" of this evening and my tears. Gotta laugh, gotta find laughter. Laughter saved my life. If I couldn't laugh about all of this shit I'd seriously be nuts. Heard this great quote,"I'm not insane, my mother had me tested." Oh and yes my mother surely did, and so did my step-mother, and my father, and ... that's a hell of a long list. I'm exhausted, I am seriously tired. Will I sleep tonight? Did I mention it's cold? 15 months and some days and some hours and some minutes and some seconds... I can do this. I need this. This is where the deeper healing happens. I am right where I am supposed to be. Why does it have to hurt still THIS FUCKING BAD? Where is the "turn off" switch for pain? Isn't there supposed to be some limit? I would always hear around various religious groups that,"God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Sometimes I believe that. Some days, like today. I wonder. Oh, on the FML rounding the evening out event I washed my clothes. Not just "my clothes". I washed my only remaining material possessions. I washed them with chocolate left in one of my pockets. I did not notice this transferring my clothes to the dryer. WHY? Because the freaking chocolate was still in my pocket. Neat huh? NOPE, the chocolate melted into my pocket and then all over my clothes which just happened to ALL BE on the "LIGHT" side of the color spectrum including my white long sleeve shirt and tank top. Why does THAT SUCK IN PARTICULAR? Because it's flipping cold on this mountain and now when I must layer it will look like I have skid marks all over me. I went and whined to Mz. P as we were hunkering down to watch a movie. I just couldn't find a positive about my ruined clothing. THEN IT CAME TO ME: Bunny shit. I can't get mad at bunny shit. I can't even think mad thoughts saying bunny anything. That's like at least two positives since I started ranting and raving about my shit day. Gotta let it all go. Find the humor through the pain. The lesson in all this is, that there's lots of pain and I need to just sit with it, acknowledge it, and then let it go. Can't change others. Just myself. I AM SO GOING TO BE THE CHANGE I WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Ghandi had it right. I have it right. I just need to stop being a fucking caterpillar. It's a little too cold to throw off the cocoon just yet. Ha, procrastination at it's finest. I have a LOT of work to do tomorrow. Tossing and turning is at the very least resting my eyeballs. Night ya'll. Love you kiddos if or rather when you ever read your mamma's craziness. I might be nuts but know I am nuts about you.
Top 5 things I am thankful for today:
The stars
Laughter
Mz. P
Pictures
Bunnies
Namaste - K
No comments:
Post a Comment