The Return to Me ~

It's time, it's time for once and for all to get all of this out of my system. Purge it. Release it. Let it go. Put it to pen and paper. On black and white. Own it, allow it to be what it is. I've lived so many stories, so many versions of myself without being truly authentic, without being truly ME. I've bought a copy of everyone else's issue of ME Weekly . It's time to move on, and be who I was meant to be. Return to my true essence: LOVE. I've floundered and flapped and been flayed by the twists and turns in the road that is life. So many have experienced similar sorrows and horrors. I am not alone in my trauma or suffering. We seldom are. Here is how my story goes: Once upon a time there was a little girl. Her name was Kathleen-Elizabeth. She had dark hair and green hazel eyes with a sprinkling of freckles upon the bridge of her nose that in no time at all covered a good portion of her. A freckled face little girl she was at that. With a slight gap in her teeth and ready smile and hug for all. Over time her hair grew longer and she wore them in long braids, one on either side of her head. This little girl loved adventure and laughter. She often played with the rabbits that lived in cages by her house, freeing them into her bedroom when no one was looking. She had a pet hedge hog she took milk to every morning, very early before daylight (again, when no one was looking). She held kitties and of course took them on her adventures, of course, when no one was looking. She picked berries and talked with the neighbor's dogs. She climbed cherry trees and wove crowns with flowers. She had a few friends in the village she lived in and often went on adventures, frolicking naked through the forest, swimming in the ponds, and catching ladybugs(yes, again, when no on was looking). Kathleen-Elizabeth lived in a foreign land, a village most would not venture into when simply driving past because it was hidden by large trees surrounding this village. Kathleen-Elizabeth learned to have secret adventures because her parents, Mr. and Mrs.Gloom did not believe in adventures for children, most especially not for their daughter. Mr. and Mrs. Gloom believed children should be seen and not heard, and if disobedient even a slightest sneeze without permission would result in Mr. and Mrs. Gloom turning into Mr. and Mrs. Doom. Once they had turned into Mr. and Mrs. Doom, well that meant that the beatings and soap eating would not stop. Would not would not would not stop. Sometimes the torture went on for so long that it was almost too much for Kathleen-Elizabeth and she would slip into her best memories of her secret adventures. This became the only place Kathleen-Elizabeth could escape and be safe. Though many in the land knew of Mr. and Mrs. Gloom not very many people knew that they turned into the creatures from nightmares, creatures so horrifying and so scary not even the meanest creature imaginable could compare to young Kathleen-Elizabeth's mind of what to compare her own parents to when they turned into Mr. and Mrs. Doom. This was a family secret. Some could say they were in fact, were-creatures. They changed completely into something else yet still resembled Mr. and Mrs. Gloom. Something so terrifying, something so frightening, something so horrifying, there really was nothing else to compare them to. Sometimes it wasn't even a sneeze that would upset her parents, sometimes without warning of any kind they would enter her bedroom and pull her out of her bed and do things, things with soap, things with belts, and some of these things they would say was because of religious reasons. None of the other children she knew had parents like hers. Their parents were different, they were calm and kind, sometimes they would yell at their children, but then they would hug their kids and kiss them and make it all better and explain why they yelled. Kathleen-Elizabeth didn't understand why her parents were different but she accepted that's just the way her family was. She decided that maybe it's because they were foreign and foreign people acted different. She didn't have a good answer and since she was forbidden from ever speaking about it she just accepted things as they were. As Kathleen-Elizabeth got older and the beatings more frequent and more severe she escaped more and more into her special place where her memories of her secret adventures were. Sometimes it got harder because well sometimes the beatings got so bad that they pierced through and well, those times were the worst. What made it harder was she had a little brother. Jason William was Kathleen-Elizabeth's little brother. He was like a little sister, except he was a brother. She had put in an order to God for a sister so she could share things but she was okay with a brother. Or so she thought. Things started changing and not for good once her brother started walking and talking. This meant that Kathleen-Elizabeth got in even bigger trouble. If Jason William got hurt or tattled even if it wasn't true Kathleen-Elizabeth got more beatings and had to eat more soap. It just became easier for Kathleen-Elizabeth to admit to anything her parents ever said she lied about or was wrong because she got less beatings than for trying to tell the truth. Mr. and Mrs. Gloom and certainly Mr. and Mrs. Doom never did believe her anyways, they were already going to beat her and if she tried to say anything, ever, well she got more and more and more beatings and soap eatings... Kathleen-Elizabeth always tried to be a good girl but things just didn't work out very well. Some people said if she didn't have bad luck she'd have no luck at all. Some people just whispered behind her back that they felt sorry for her. Some people said she must have deserved whatever punishments she got. Some people believed that she just had a very hard head like her father said and she just needed firm discipline (that's a fancy way of saying it's okay to beat your child). She never liked pity. She simply wanted someone to understand her, to listen to her, to see her goodness, but her family always made sure they told everyone how bad she was. Kathleen-Elizabeth spent a lot of time in her land of secret adventures. Carrying her memories deep within her heart of hearts, locked away so far no one would ever be able to take those from her, or beat them out of her. She cherished memories like other children cherished their toys, even love. Those memories were her love, of every nice thing anyone had ever done, any acts of kindness, playing with animals, laughing with friends, climbing trees, picking berries, skipping on the street, every hug, running in the rain... This is a place Kathleen-Elizabeth lived when others around her hit and beat, kicked and scratched, pulled and yanked, slapped and spanked, screamed and ranted, locked her up in a cage, took her innocence, and left her all alone --- battered and tattered, bruised and broken. Then one day she was set out into the world, almost free but not quite, the strings that tied her to her family were still there. She found out by testing them everyday, pulling here, yanking there, carefully slipping one toe over the line to see if they would notice. One day no one noticed, one day she broke free. When she ran and ran and ran she ran right into a large man. A man so large she had to tilt her head all the way back to look at him. He seemed kind, he smiled at her and laughed at her jokes. He listened to her. He talked to her. He learned a little about her life and didn't say bad things about her or tell her it was okay. He did agree with her father that she shouldn't talk about what happened in her life because you keep those things locked away, they are secrets in your family he told her. You don't tell the secrets in your family. So she kept most of her sad and scary secrets tucked away along with her memories of her secret adventures. Unfortunately, the big man was a bad bad man, he was like Mr. Gloom but more like Mr. Doom. She turned to run and run far away when she realized she was pregnant with a child. She didn't realize what she had done until it was too late and he would not release her and his son. She wouldn't give him the baby boy, she refused to leave her precious baby, and soon after another child was born, a daughter. No matter what his family did to her, no matter what the bad bad man did to her, she refused to leave. More and more she had so many secrets tucked away from her old family and her new one that her memories of her secret adventures began to fade away. She was forced to be in the world with the scaries, the frighteners, the beaters, the haters, the monsters. Sometimes though, a blessed thing would happen, her memories of her secret adventures would visit her. She never knew when it would happen, but when it did she would visit all of those wonderful and loving and happy moments. One time she tried to escape and bring her own children with her but she got caught by the bad bad man and had to return to his land and his people. She understood once she was cast out she would never see her children again. They made sure she understood this, very sure. Sometime after many moons and suns had passed, there came a time when Kathleen-Elizabeth knew that she was dying. The bad bad man and his family knew she was dying. Her own people no longer cared, not even to bother, not even with cruelty anymore. Once her father knew she had married a bad bad man he decided she finally got what she deserved and washed his hands of her. Kathleen-Elizabeth though she knew she was dying also knew that she had to make a decision, she had to make a choice. Her own daughter was beginning to be treated like she had been and that was far more terrifying than anything that had ever happened to her. See, Kathleen-Elizabeth had decided to die. She didn't want to be punished anymore. She didn't want to hurt anymore. She wanted to go and live with her memories of secret adventures forever. She was ready to let death take her. She realized that this was a choice though because as long as she had breath in her body there was hope. Hope to live, hope to fight for her daughter. Hope to get away and try one more time. She knew she had to decide though, she couldn't live in her special world and die and leave her daughter forever in the land of the bad bad man and his family. She didn't seem to have any other choice because what no one understood was how much she loved her children and had watched out for them and protected them the best she could. Her body simply wouldn't last and her time was growing short. So, she fled, she ran, she moved far away back to the foreign land of her people where some of the bad bad man's family lived and beyond to right beyond the reach of all. This place she stayed in, until they found her, then she fled again, and again, and yet again. Then finally she found one place, a place by the sea, where there was no him, and only a me. That is where her daughter found her, not broken as she was, but not fully healed. There was sadness and anger from the no longer little girl for the mother having left her with the bad bad man, there was understanding and compassion as well. There were stories and tears. There was a rift that began to close. Hearts that began to mend. The no longer little girl of Kathleen-Elizabeth held her mother and loved her as no one had ever done. For if the child of the child can love, can it be possible another can as well? What's prompted this story? Someone recently asked me a question so profound, so intensely profound that it opened the gates of my soul, the door of my heart, the window of my mind. The question was about LOVE, in reference to my having declared my love, openly and courageously declared my love to another. The question was a question about my having felt love before, the question was posed like this:"So you've NEVER EVER felt THIS before? With ANYONE? EVER?", I thought in that moment to my father, to the bad bad man, to the experiences where I had explored my bruised, battered, and broken body with other men, toyed at the idea of love, skirted on the edges of the illusion of love, played with the notions and delusions of love, and knew that no, I had never felt like "this" before for ANYONE, EVER -- never had I opened up my body, my mind, and my soul to any one person before that precise moment. In that question, in that moment, I gave of myself what I had never given before. An answer to ALL of my feeling, every fiber of my soul, my heart, my body, my love. For as I responded,"I have NEVER, EVER felt like THIS before for ANYONE, EVER." The truth of that statement filled my entire being, and for the first time in 40 years I realized I had given the WHOLE of the sum of my parts. ALL OF IT. In the past I had given a part here, a part there, pieces, fragments, nothing complete, nothing whole. Those tender few remains of myself I had tucked away, far away into the recesses within myself locked away with my precious memories of secret adventures. I had never ever been safe enough to allow myself the possibility to invite someone in and introduce to myself. My own children only know a part of my story, they have all of my mother's love, yet none of my own mother's hatefulness. I keep two flames burning, separately. It is the only way I know to love them without hurting them further and introducing Mr. and Mrs. Gloom and Doom fully into their lives. My son has seen much, my daughter too much, but blessedly not all. One day perhaps I shall share it, until that day I shall bare it, and bare it alone. For truly, deeply, and eternally do I love... I love without apology, without remorse, without anger, without bitterness, with acceptance, with responsibility, with accountability, with truth, with compassion, with kindness, with gentleness, and with Divinity. Only love can heal, only love can find it's way into another's soul, another's heart, another's mind and mend what no other can. See, I finally fell into a love, a love so pure, so blindingly pure that it has scorched my soul as no other. It wasn't even a love directed at me. I was merely an onlooker who turned her head directly into the blinding light of the love between a father and his daughter. A love so bright, so pure, it has soldered my soul/my heart/my mind's pieces together. Now I must learn to live with this new me, a whole, with or without love's return. I can say I have felt it, felt the heat, felt the blaze, felt the burn. It is a blessing. A beautiful big terrifying blessing from which I see no point of return, nor do I want one. This is my new memory of a never again secret and my most beautiful adventure. A calm, healing water in the midst of my darkest storms that is the balm that cools my burns. I fell in love with the father of Eden ~