Wonderful night last night. Kirtan Love. Ohhhh, I have the chills just thinking about it. Mz. P's birthday blast was last night and of course the ONE time I really need my camera, I forget about it and leave it in the birthday girl's purse. There were 6 of us total including Mary Mary. Total reunion and new friends bonding. Wonderful evening. I ended up with a gluten contamination though. The one real bummer. Oh besides the fact the Chinese restaurant we KNEW served AMAZING and SAFE food and INCREDIBLE "adult beverages" was CLOSED. Bastards. Ping's a.k.a. Hung Far Low is closed. Seriously gut hurt right now. OW! However, I am cheerful as fuck. Swearing even. Ha ha. I am the trooper. Whoopie! Oh, sarcastic too. I must be getting better. He he. I am accepting I am just very limited in what I can eat when going out. Lesson learned. Note to self: Ask to speak to the chef when in doubt to verify the type of flour used myself. Oi, what a pain in the ass. I guess I will become a "salad eater" when I go out, unless it's Sushi, or an Indian restaurant (where I know the owners REALLY well). The pain and damage to my intestines and quality of life are not worth the risk. Not to mention I get really nuts, like multiple additions to the already ample personalities shoved inside this amazing fun sized packaging. I still can't believe I made it through work. Yet, here I am. Tired and finally laying back into a cloud of pillows. I love pillows. Pillows make me happy. Pillows and sunshine and unicorns and rainbows and islands and yoga toes and loving friends and my babies, oh and puppies and bunnies. Yes, those are all definitely my happy places.
I have had a lot of deep insights lately. From acknowledging that the last 2 1/2 years of my life are the only ones I have had abuse free in my entire life. Kinda amazing. Right? A few slip ups along the way and some contributing moments of self-destruction early on, old habits and all that jazz. Seriously, I have a whole new life. It will only be difficult if I make it so. I have friends I am beginning to really trust are who they claim to be, are who they represent themselves to be. I am beginning to really see that even in this material world there are those who may offer some solace and safety for this little heart of mine. I see that there is a "One Person" for me. Where, who, how, when is all a mystery. I just feel CLOSER to this possibility, this probability. It's not so freaky, a little bit, knowing that there is someone I will give every part of myself to, all of my trust, yet this time, with all of me, who I am now. It's the preparation for this that is so very difficult Being difficult as opposed to hard because of all my wrong choices. Just to reference the quantity of bad choices or poor choices, or decisions resulting in a magnitude of opportunity for growth (my favorite way to put it), let me put it this way: the internet isn't even big enough to house those volumes of "wrong doing". I have had the wonderful honor of speaking to quite a few women (and men) who have found the "one" after heartache and heartbreak, with similar stories. These brave and loving souls describe this trust, this knowledge of absolute certainty that this man (or woman) will not ever do anything to destroy them nor intentionally seek to harm them. The kindness, the acceptance, and the gentleness described in such a way, I can't help but feel or rather hear the Divine hand of God within these stories of love. It is with affirmation I hear now. Not with the sad ear that it won't ever happen to me, or even that I won't allow it to because of fear but now with the knowledge I am closer, God has brought me closer. Whoever this amazing and most phenomenal creature is will love me so utterly and so completely there will be no judgement. This I know. It's the total acceptance, the gift of love. The giving in the loving. That is what I have never had. I have had all the wrong kinds of love, with two exceptions. The love I have for my children and God. Now, I am ready for the right kind. Because of my experiences I won't be the one to squander it, to waste a precious moment. Already I am thankful for what will be. I thought of making a list and making sure I qualify these "specifications" and realized how silly it is to think (ha ha) that I am in control. I am "Open and Willing" to God's plan. I have my own personal and professional goals and intentions set. Yet right now, I'm talking about Divine Love. Do any superficial physical aspects really matter? REALLY? It's the soul. Does anything really matter? It's the soul. It's all about the soul. Hell I never cared about the rest anyways. Is location a deal breaker? Are looks that important? Isn't faith all that is required? Do superficial things, physical attributes really matter? Things like height? All the men in my life have been taller and not a one of them actually protected me So, bottom line. Let the best man in. He will be the right one. The one who will love my children through me and when they are ready to enter my life and share their lives with me, he will welcome them with open arms. That man, the one whose kindness and gentleness will cause me to weep. Who will not mock me, or strike me, or degrade me, or disrespect me, or belittle me, or ridicule me, or harm me, or judge me, or blame me, or ever be ashamed of me. The one who will be faithful in all things. The one who will declare his love for me from the highest mountain top. The one who will cherish me and adore me. The one who will see me, really see me and know that as I am, I am enough. The one who is an inherent gentleman, GENTLE-MAN. The best analogy is when I was last asked what does the "man for me" look like? My answer: The man that places me inside the car first, as to ensure my safety and security before himself. The man that looks at me like he's waited for the moment when he would meet me for his life to begin. The man that is grateful to have me by his side. The man who longs for me, yearns for me, and burns for me and expresses his desire. Who shows his deep admiration for my simply being The one who delights in me. The one...
Wow, didn't know that big revelation from my heart of hearts was going to come creeping out onto my little fingertips. Yet, here it is. I did state a no more bullshit clause not too long ago. What the hell. This is my life! Someday I will share that life. Until then. I will happily continue on, growing, learning, loving, sharing, and caring. Never again will I be less than amazing. That's the beauty of all these hardships. I have survived it, lived it, and now created something wonderful out of it all: ME ~ Pretty fucking amazing alright?
Goddess ~ She is free, thank you for the key, for unlocking me ~
God
There was a time this would have simply been a rhyme
Now it is a prayer of thanks for all I have and all I am
I thank you for your Divine Grace
Oh Sweet Creator how I love thee
The joy in knowing you love me too
Hare Krishna Hare Krishna~
Your Daughter
Top 10 things I am GRATEFUL for today:
Life
Health
Love
Heart
Laughter
Healing
Learning
Hope
Lessons
Hugs
P.S. My Turtle King and Star Child: When you are ready. Come to me. I am loving you always, Mom
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